Why you don't want to be a fish in New Zealand

So, yesterday evening I was off to the Auckland Fish Market cookery school for the first part of my birthday present from Dave, an evening class demonstration of fish preparation and cooking, followed by a hands-on session after which the participants get to eat the fruits of their labours.
First off, a demonstration of filleting various fish and how to prepare a squid, then how to cook a red wine risotto with squid and Greek style potatoes with barbecued kingfish.  There was a poster on the demonstration bench advertising 'Secret Sauce - made with real baitfish' which didn't sound particularly appetising, but perhaps it's the Kiwi equivalent of Thai fish sauce, I thought.  The Secret Sauce wasn't one of the ingredients used however, and as I hadn't remembered to grab a snack before I left home, the smells in the demonstration kitchen were all very tantalising.  Then into the main kitchen to have a go.  I was on a bench with two very laaaaaarge Sarth Efrican brothers and their father and a lady and her husband.  We all mucked in and were very happy with the results when we'd finished and I cleaned my plate feeling replete and contented.  So far, so conventional.

Then it was back into the demonstration kitchen where a chap called Paul who runs a fishing charter boat talked about how to find fish - you use your Fish Finder radar of course, but don't get excited by snepper - that would be snapper to the non-Kiwi - clustered on the bottom.  What you really want to spot is a group of baitfish - them again? - clustered midway down, then you'll know that the snepper are feeding.  You also want to spot where the gannets are feeding and if they're swooping down then you know you've hit the right spot.  Great, all moderately interesting, can I leave now?  No, no, now Mark Kitteridge - you all know Mark! - is going to talk about how to improve your fish catch.  That would be Mark Kitteridge, author of 'Catch More Snepper', 'Knots, Baits and Lures' and 'Best of Fishing - Soft Plastics', copies of which are spread over the demonstration bench for purchase, who proceeds to talk at g-r-e-a-t l--e--n--g--t--h about different types of rod, line, leads, lures, including the above-mentioned soft plastics, which turn out to be rubbery plastic fish that are reusable bait, and something referred to as 'nuclear chicken'.  The Secret Sauce has made a reappearance and reveals itself to be a stinky fish goo that you smear on your lure to make it irresistible to the snepper, which are clearly the holy grail of the NZ fisherperson.  All the time, the audience, majority of which are 50+ blokes - I'd wondered about that earlier, but now I know why - are chipping in with questions and comments demonstrating they seem to be well aware of the difficulties in catching snepper and are very appreciative of Mark sharing the benefit of his experience with them.  I however am stuck somewhere between fishing-induced torpor and a powerful desire to escape, but - oh horror - I'm in the middle of a row.  Fifty minutes into the presentation, I finally overcome my British reserve and ask the people next to me to let me out and - JOY!  I'm free at last and skipping out to the carpark.  Dave swears he didn't know about this part of the evening.  I sincerely hope not.

The moral of this is, do not be a fish in New Zealand, especially a snepper.  The locals are OUT TO GET YOU!